Leveling Up: Messy, Debilitating, Devastating Transformation

I'm writing this right now because I don't know what else to do to settle my mind. Too anxious to meditate, too zoned in to zone out, too sick to exercise (or at least that's what I'm telling myself), too lost to find my way. I'm writing in an attempt to ground myself during this last week of the year of the snake. I am feeling the intense universal energy of transformation pulling at me, but I also feel like I haven't shed what I need to in order to move into my fiery, charged-up future. It feels like I'm coated with mud, stuck in the Swamp of Sadness...

...so I suppose the question is: Am I Artax or Atreyu? That's a tough one.

I've picked myself up countless times from this feeling. Down, overweight, uncreative, depressed...now we can add grief-ridden to the mix. I'm tired.

My dad died.

The accident was on Christmas and he was on life support for five days before the incredibly dim prognosis and his weakened heart propelled us to make the decision to say goodbye. It was gut wrenching, it was heartbreaking, and I was ridden with shame. The truth is, I'm still processing it - the shame.

Regular life stuff has become exhausting. Things I thought I had figured out are coming back to the surface again. Old feelings of "not good enough" and "lazy" are surrounding my waking hours, whispering in my ears, telling me lies that I struggle not to succumb to again and again.

I thought I had overcome all of this? Why is it all here again, hammering at my defenses like an ice storm conjured by the despots of grief, doubt, shame, and despair? I feel the shards battering my boundaries, carving away the edges that I crafted over years and years of defensive barrier building. It's wearing me down to a soft, defenseless creature.

I feel scared, like I'm losing a piece of myself. The piece that picks me up and tells me to dust myself off when I am drowning. The piece that forces me not to give in to my laziness and depression. She uses the power of distraction and redirection to move me through whatever it is that is keeping me down.

She has kept me alive all these years. She has picked me up when I fall and motivated me to be a good mother, daughter, worker, friend, and human - no matter what. But...she never acknowledges the reason behind my fall. I'm scared to lean into that. I'm scared that if I lean into the grief and the sorrow that she will leave me and I will succumb to wallowing forever in sadness.

Maybe that wouldn't happen, though. Maybe I could trust myself enough to know that I can and I will pick myself up when the time is right, but that right now is for processing the heaviness. And maybe that's okay.

Maybe I don't need her anymore...maybe I did then, because I didn't know how to process the heavy stuff and still move forward at my own pace. Can I do that now? Do I trust myself enough to move slowly and intentionally, knowing that what I need will come to me when I need it? Knowing that nothing meant for me will pass me by as long as I move with intention and gentleness towards myself?

I guess there is only one way to find out...